Tag Archives: D/s blog

Full Circle Part 3 of 3

Continued from Part 2

Sorry it took so long to complete the third installment of my story but it’s a hell of a lot easier to write about my life in the past than it is in the here and now.

“Joe” and I separated in August of 2009.  I came back to my hometown in January 2010, determined to start over once again, this time without depending on a man.  After 2 failed marriages I knew what I didn’t want but was clueless about what I did.  I knew I needed to get my kids settled and find a job.

As I started dating shortly after my move back home, I also began reconnecting with my childhood friends.  After a few dates with different men, I started weeding out my likes and dislikes about them and always kept things casual and fun.  I found myself going out more and more with my girlfriends I reconnected with.

One night, my girlfriends and I were out at one of the local bars and I was introduced to Sir.  Turns out we went to the same schools and had a lot of the same friends but never knew each other until we met that night.  I remember thinking he was nice but quiet and didn’t really give him a second thought.  A friend of mine mentioned him one day and told me about his situation with his soon to be ex-wife.  A couple of weeks later my friends and I coaxed him to come out after his kids went to bed.  I texted him and he agreed to meet us at the bar.  When he got there I was dancing with a cowboy who wouldn’t let me off the dance floor until I finally excused myself to the restroom.  I stepped outside and the cowboy followed me.  We were outside talking when Sir left the bar.

I didn’t see him out again for a few weeks but we texted each other a little, and began a friendship.  Then one night we were out at the bar and we sat down next to each other, talking and flirting.  We were interrupted by a mutual friend of ours who was also drunk and flirting with Sir.  I backed off a bit, I’m not the type to fight over a guy and I figured if he wanted to get to know me he would.  After the bar closed we walked out and went to say goodbye and ended up kissing each other good night.  As cheesy as it sounds there was something in that kiss that hit me hard.  I was the designated driver that night and after I dropped my girlfriend off at her house, I texted Sir.

We couldn’t go back to his place because of his kids and we couldn’t go to mine because I was temporarily staying with my dad, so we met up in a parking lot like a couple of horny teenagers.  We made out for a while and then I gave him a hand job before we said goodnight.

Because he was going through a divorce as well, we kept things casual for a few months, sneaking in some time after his kids went to bed or to his ex’s for the weekend.  However, as I went out on other dates I realized that I wanted something more with Sir.  I talked to him about it and he said he wasn’t able to give me anything more at the time.  I told him that it was beginning to feel more to me so it would just be best if we stopped seeing each other all together.

We didn’t talk for a couple of weeks until I accidently included him in a mass text message to our friends.  He texted me back and we began talking again.  There was something about him that I couldn’t let go of,  so if we could only be friends then I would live with that.

I continued to go out with other men; Sir and I even went out on a date or two.  I told him that I had a date set up with a man I met from an online dating site. This man and I had been talking and getting to know each other for a couple of months and I had no doubt if the date went well he would want to start dating exclusively.

Not meaning to, I forced Sir’s hand.  I knew he was scared to get into another relationship after his divorce but I wasn’t going to wait forever and I truly didn’t know if he’d ever be ready.  I needed to get on with my life and not be held back by my past.

We began dating on July 4th, 2010.  We were spending more time with each other and having our kids get to know each other as well. As the months went on, we were spending almost every night with each other so we decided to move in together the following spring.  As we settled into our life together we both were carrying baggage from two failed marriages a piece around with us as well.  I won’t say whose baggage was heavier because while I had abuse in my first marriage, Sir had deep seated feelings of inadequacy and lack of control that started in his first and continued on with his second marriage.

When we married in June 2012, most of my fears and insecurities were gone and I knew this was the man I was supposed to be with. He was my best friend and the love of my life.  As we began our life as husband and wife we were struggling to join our blended family together.  We put our children’s needs ahead of our own most days but still had a strong bond.  It took a while for both of us to realize that this marriage was different and better than our previous.  We are partners, 50/50; there is no one giving something and getting little to nothing in return for either of us.

With my first marriage I wanted to make my ex happy but not because it was fulfilling for me but out of fear. He wanted to control me, but not cherish and protect me (This is a very important distinction I needed to reconcile with myself before Sir and I could continue in a D/s relationship).  My second marriage, “Joe” wanted to cherish and protect me, but I couldn’t love him.  With my third and last marriage, Sir wants me to lovingly serve him while he lovingly protects and cherishes me. Make no mistake, he controls me but it is not malicious or vindictive, and ultimately he does this because I allow him.  If at any time I didn’t want to do this we would stop with no repercussions. It is definitely a different mindset then where I was with my first husband.

When I am being disciplined, trained or reprimanded by Sir, I feel safe and loved and I am never in fear of Him.  There are still triggers that make me tense up but it has only happened a few times and when it did I was able recognize the difference between what happened to me then and what I allow to happen now. Our D/s life is not perfect and we are still working out the problems, but our love is strong and we are closer than we ever were before.

Submissive Training Question

I was asked a few days ago on Twitter: “Would you be so kind to explain what is the need of training her?

The simple answer is that training is necessary to reinforce expectations until they become second nature.  The key to remember is that those expectations must be clear to both persons before training begins.

We are a married couple, new to the D/s lifestyle, with children at home.  What works for us will not likely be the same as what works for people in more casual relationships, those with multiple partners, or exploring D/s online.  There are certainly some commonalities but each person needs to find what is best for their unique situation.

At the present, we are in that discovery period.  I am learning about myself as a Dominant and Pet is doing the same as a submissive.  We’re sharing our needs and wants.  We’re discussing what works and what does not.  Because we are in a committed, monogamous relationship, there is no ‘Sorry, I don’t think we’re a good match’ option.  Thus, we proceed slowly, finding a common ground that is fulfilling for both of us.  When those mutual expectations are established, our actual training will begin.

On the topic of how to train a submissive, volumes have been written by people with much more experience than myself.  A Google search will keep you busy reading for days and I’ve linked to several popular books on the topic.   I don’t consider myself an expert by any means or pretend to have all the answers.  I can only share our experiences and hope that others might benefit from reading them.  Just remember that there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution.  Learn, adapt, and grow together.

Sir

What if?

This weekend I saw a tweet from @jizzlejohn that rang a bell with me.  It read:

“My only regret is that I didn’t find you sooner in my life.  But then we both know, that neither of us would have been ready for the other.”

I’ve discussed this very thing several times with Pet.  Thirty-odd years ago we were growing up in the same town, attending the same schools, and had many friends in common but never knew each other.  It wasn’t till four years ago that we finally met, through those mutual friends.  By then, both of us had been through two marriages already.  You can ready her story in the ‘Full Circle’ series she is currently writing.  My story isn’t nearly as interesting so I won’t go into detail for now.  We’ve been married a bit over two years now and are both convinced that we got it right this time.

With our life together going so well, it’s easy to look back and say “I wish we had found each other sooner.”  The reality is that a good part of why we work so well together today is because of the past and how it shaped us.  We both made mistakes, dealt with poor decisions, and found ourselves in unhealthy situations.  In the process, we grew as individuals.  We learned from our mistakes and came to terms with why we made those decisions.

Pet and I were two like-minded people fortunate enough to meet at the right time in our lives, recognize the potential, and take a chance.  All of the bad times we have been through separately help us to truly appreciate how good we are together.  Had our meeting been 20 years ago, things might be quite different.  It can be tempting to dwell on the what-if’s but I choose to focus on the present and enjoy each day with my amazing wife.

Sir

Full Circle…Part 2 of 3

Continued from Part 1

After I kicked my ex out, I was wounded emotionally; hating and distrusting all men.  I was angry at life in general.  I vowed no man would get close enough to me to hurt me like that again.  I had always been a sexual being and hadn’t had sex (if you could call it that) since my birthday about 6 months earlier.  So I decided that men would be good enough for sex but that’s all.  I couldn’t fathom trusting anyone again enough to let them in my life fully.

At work I was known as a ball buster and had to be reprimanded several times about how I addressed higher ranking men.  Luckily, the woman that helped me get rid of my ex knew the extent of my situation and had bailed me out a couple of times with anything being permanently on my record.  She gave me some advice and told me that was the best revenge was to live my life and live it well.  She set up an appointment with a counselor to help me work through it.  I went to 2 sessions and then stopped.  It was too fresh and too painful to rehash so I once again buried it. I lived in denial for a long time.

I met my 2nd husband (we’ll call him “Joe” just to keep it straight) the week my ex was moving out.  He was a friend of a friend.  When I first met him, I was not impressed by his good looks or his “aw shucks, ma’am” demeanor.  I knew he was an asshole like all other men.  As a matter of fact, the first two conversations I had with “Joe” involved me telling him to “shut the fuck up” and to also “grow up”.

When I moved out of base housing I moved into an apartment I shared with the same friend that introduced me to him, so I saw quite a bit of “Joe” over the next several weeks.  Still not interested in talking with anything that had a penis, I all but ignored him when he came over.  Then one weekend “Joe” came over when my roommate went out of town. We ended up talking and drinking most of the night and then had drunken sex when the sun came up.

“Joe” was a nice guy and I will admit it felt nice to once again have a man treat me like a woman and not a possession.  We went out a couple of times (no sex, drunken or otherwise) but every time a part of me kept waiting for him to slip exposing his real nature and start treating me like he owned me.  When he found out a little what I went through with my ex, he decided that he didn’t want to get wrapped up in that and I couldn’t blame him. Truthfully I was lonely but not looking for a relationship, so we decided to just be friends.

I began getting out with friends; drinking, dancing and partying.  I always had something going on so I was rarely by myself for long. Then one night I was at a party at the river and ran into “Joe”.  He and his friend were drunk and kept following my friend and me around the river.  “Joe” asked me to take a walk with him and I agreed.

As we walked around “Joe” told me that he liked me a lot and didn’t care about what happened.  He missed talking to me and in his drunken state told me he very much wanted to have sex with me again.  He provided the distraction I needed so I didn’t have to think about what I’d been through with my ex.

However, as we started spending time together, things as innocent as him dropping a dish on the floor would trigger a memory.  We got into our first argument and he grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving.  I turned around and slapped his face and screamed for him to never do that again.  He was shocked and I thought for sure that was the end of whatever we had going on. He let go of my arm and calmly said “Okay”.  He began modifying his behavior based off of mine. I refused to believe that this relationship would go anywhere and last because I just wanted someone around so I wasn’t alone with my past.

Five months after that night at the river, I found out I was pregnant with our first child.  After what happened with my ex I was extremely nervous to tell “Joe” and he actually found out when he overheard me talking to a friend of mine.  “Joe” did the honorable thing and asked me to marry him.  I laughed in his face and asked him why the hell I’d want to do that.  He was hurt but he backed off and once again adjusted his behavior based on mine.

I wasn’t ready to once again be owned by another man.  I wasn’t in love with “Joe”.  I don’t think I knew what true love was and I didn’t trust my own judgment.  I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the real “Joe” to make his ugly appearance.

“Joe” suggested a compromise; that we move in together as roommates with benefits.  We would split everything 50/50 and that way he could help with the baby. We talked in depth about it and he promised that if at any time it wasn’t working he would move into the spare bedroom and we would go back being just friends.  At the time I didn’t realize how much of himself he was sacrificing for me.

As my pregnancy progressed, he became one of my closest friends and the only person I felt safe telling everything to about my ex.  He was nonjudgmental and I eventually learned to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop with him.  As we got closer to my due date I realized just how much he was sacrificing to be in my life.  I had to admit to myself that I loved and respected him.  He was my protector and allowed me to be just who I was and to heal.  I wasn’t in love with him and at the time didn’t think I was capable of being in love with anyone because I still held back a part of me out of self-preservation.   He knew we turned an important corner in our relationship and he broached the subject of getting married again.  After many discussions and threats on my part we set a date.

After our eldest child was born, we married and moved back into base housing because he was still on active duty.  He was chivalrous and old fashioned in some ways.  He believed that when a child is young that a parent should be at home with him.  He also believed that a man should take care of his family.

We made the necessary sacrifices so I could stay at home with the kids (we had a second child seventeen months after the first).  After “Joe” got out of the military, he found a job working on the same base we were stationed at, so we stayed there renting a small apartment.  “Joe” took on a second job as I went to school and could still stay with the kids.  To everyone outside we were a happy family, but I was not happy at all and was dealing daily with my demons that would not go away.

I had gotten over the hurdle of trusting “Joe”, but I only trusted him with the kids and taking care of me physically but never fully with my heart.  About three years into our relationship I started counseling.  I began working through the shitball that was mine and my ex’s marriage.  It was time to let go of the anger, shame and resentment.  As my therapy continued the repressed memories started coming back to me, like the night of my 21st birthday. How could I have possibly not remembered that?  It came back to me on my 25th birthday.  Once again “Joe” modified his behavior after walking into the apartment to see his wife broken down crying with a toddler running around the house and the baby sleeping blissfully through it all.  “Joe” fed the kids and put them to bed, then called the local Chinese delivery and made me take a bubble bath.  We just sat on the couch not talking, but eating our take out, watching TV. I later found out he had lined up a babysitter for the night and made reservations at one of the best steak houses in town.  He never did ask me what had me crying that night.

After that I felt on edge, never knowing when something was going to trigger a memory.  I once again pulled away from “Joe”. I knew our relationship would never be anything more than what it was and for years it worked. I put all my effort into the kids and we had our third and final child in 2000.  Eventually the triggers went away and I had successfully put almost everything behind me. My ex was rarely ever brought up and I was okay with my past.

We continued to live status quo and to everyone outside of our marriage we were happy and content. In 2008, “Joe” still in the reserves went to Iraq for a year.  While he was gone, I was left to care for the house and kids by myself.  I discovered that I liked that independence and that I was happier without “Joe” in my life 24/7.  Don’t get me wrong, the year was hard and everything from a broken washer, a blown down fence and dealing with three children by myself had happened, but I hadn’t really missed him physically.

And on the whole, I was truly content with me for the first time in almost 20 years.  I didn’t know how I would handle it when “Joe” got back but as long as we were still caring towards each other I was prepared to stay right where I was.  We had three kids and a lifetime together. But for “Joe” being in Iraq had changed him as well.  He didn’t see actual fighting there; he was embedded on a base and worked on the aircraft, but he heard the fighting and he saw the aftermath of it. He was no longer at peace and content with his life and I realized that status quo was no longer the norm. I believe he would have stayed married to me and I know I would have to him if either of us was content.  We weren’t in love with each other, but had a marriage of friendship and respect.  No one was more shocked than he when I told him I wanted a divorce.  After a while he knew I was right.

We had gotten married out of an obligation and we both wanted more from our significant other than the half-life we were living.  So at age 38, with $3000 in my account, I packed up the kids, a dog and whatever else I could fit in my car and came back to my hometown.  I had no plan, job prospects, or a permanent address but I knew it was the right decision.  It was what I needed to do but could I open myself up to a new life with my whole heart?

 

To be continued tomorrow…

Chinese Nipple Clamps

Chopstick Nipple Toys

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Even if you already own several styles of nipple clamps as we do, these simple ones are a nice ‘twist’.  Bring home a few extra sets of chopsticks from your favorite Chinese place.  Add a few small rubber bands and Voilà!

Start with the bands (not too tight) at the ends and slide them closer to the nipple to increase the pressure gradually.

We had quite a bit of fun with these this afternoon and Pet most definitely approved!

Sir