Last night Master and I went to a Vanilla party being given by friends. The first for us since we entered into the D/s relationship. To say it didn’t go well is putting it mildly.
We are still in the beginning and all rules, boundaries etc. are far from being settled. It is a fluid relationship that changes as we encounter situations. I was very apprehensive about showing too much of relationship to our friends. I wasn’t worried they would judge so much as I was just not too sure how they would react and didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
I asked Master what his expectations were for me for this party earlier in the day. He never gave me a clear answer. Because we curb our relationship in front of family, I assumed we would relax it in front of our friends as well.
Shortly after we arrived, I slipped and made a comment and truly didn’t think when I said it because we were hanging with friends that we’ve hung out with since we got together 4 years ago. It was the kind of thing that I would have said before and everyone including Master would have laughed at. But Master didn’t laugh and corrected me in front of our friends who have no idea about our new arrangement. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I embarrassed Master in front of our friends and knew I would disciplined for it later. I couldn’t get a grip on how to act after that.
Our friends are loud, partying, fun loving people who cuss like sailors and razz each other mercilessly. To be submissive in that situation is hard especially when they have an expectation that I will be the way I’ve always been. I had no idea if it was okay to joke with male friends, what I could say in front of Master and what was completely off the table.
I pulled back after that and was trying to figure out how to make this work. I realized that I had a responsibility to ensure Master’s needs were being met so I made sure he had a drink and that I was at his side available to him if he wanted to touch, kiss, grope, etc me. Even before the D/s thing our friends teased us that we were the “newlyweds” couple; always kissing, touching etc. So it was nothing new for them to see this possessiveness that Master had with me.
I began to relax and found safe topics to talk about with our friends. I had a drink and that relaxed me a little more and I was enjoying our evening and Master and I were once again on the same page. Then around 8:30 Master was called back into work. If he wanted me to go I would have gladly gone with him, but he made no mention of it and I was under the assumption that it was okay for me to stay. As he left two of my girlfriends and I broke open a bottle of wine and we stood in the kitchen enjoying stories of growing up, our kids antics and just life in general. I thought I was still honoring Master and adhering to our relationship but I still didn’t know. As the night went on and one bottle of wine turned to two I knew I was getting drunk and actually stopped drinking. I had been exchanging text messages with Master since he left and knew he was pissed about the work situation. As everyone gathered around the fire pit someone turned on music and my girlfriends and I started to dance, like we always have in the past. The men joked around with us and as I sat down to take a break one of my girlfriend’s came and gave me a drunk lap dance. There again this wasn’t unusual, this is the way it has always been with our friends. I was relaxed more because Master wasn’t there but I was thinking about him so I texted him thinking it would make him laugh to know what our friend did.
He just seemed more frustrated. As I was hanging out I began questioning everything I was doing, wondering if He was there would I be doing this and acting like I was. I called Him and he told me he would be stuck at work for a while so I called my dad to pick me up (something I haven’t had to do in 20 years). I asked my dad to stop at a fast food place to get something in my stomach to soak up the alcohol and I called Master to see if he wanted us to run something out to him as well. He was very short with me and said no.
After I got home I sent Him a text asking him if he wanted me to wait up for Him and it said “No. You’re drunk and tired. Go to sleep.” I wanted to cry, I knew he was angry at me but I couldn’t pinpoint the exact cause of his anger. I knew he was frustrated at having to leave the party for work so I asked Him to wake me up when He got home and he texted “Ok”. When he got home, I woke up and waited for him to talk to me but he didn’t. I rolled over and cried a little while falling asleep.
I know when I do something wrong or don’t live up to Master’s expectations I deserve his anger and discipline but I honestly don’t know what I did last night because expectations were never laid out. Even now I don’t know what to say or do and more importantly how this will ever work? I am disheartened because I want to serve my Master and serve him well but I have no clue how to do that.